Tag Archives: Life

Let’s not ignore

Let’s not ignore that you didn’t care if you lived or died,

Let’s not ignore that if you would’ve lost control you wouldn’t have tried.

Let’s not ignore that for a second you forgot redemption…

Let’s not forget that you’re still somebody’s son…

Let’s not ignore the fact that there’s something destined for you,

Let’s face the fact that you must have patience this must is true.

But instead ignore the past mistakes that you’ll never be able to take back,

But instead take this forgotten time and get yourself back on track…

But instead of feeling sorry for yourself, look for solutions more..

But instead love yourself, it really shouldn’t be a chore.

At first you hated yourself, for all your past mistakes….

At first you took it all, until there was nothing left to take…

At first you couldn’t see the fire before it caused so much pain,

At first you didn’t put it out yourself and relied too much on the rain….

 

But now you see it…don’t you?

That this repetition just won’t do it anymore, and it’s time to move forward.

This hamster wheel has spun long enough, towards a new life you must move toward.

Use this pain that you feel, and inspire yourself to build something much greater….

She wouldn’t want to meet you like this….do it for me. Do it for him. Do it for Her.

Push aside your foolish pride, and cut down the boast to grow,

For he has a plan much greater…greater than you know….

Every time you fall, you must pick yourself up once more…

That’s the only way you’ll get to the life…the life worth living for.

2017. (An Open Letter to Myself)

Dear Alex,

I don’t care what people think of me when i say all of what i’m about to say. Nor will I. I’m not writing this as a people pleasing statement, but rather as a declaration to myself and a reminder to what i want from this upcoming year. So nobody should take any of this personally, and overall, i hope you can find something from this…even if it’s the will to make a declaration for yourself!

First things first, For me personally, 2016 has just been a shaky year. It hasn’t been terrible, because at the end of the day i see how blessed i am to have a family that surrounds and supports me regardless of how stupid i may be at times. But it has been shaky. It’s been a year of changing and molding. With all of the death and division, it has been a really hard year to keep the peace. With non-stop negativity being constantly held in my face, it’s hard to find the positives any more…despite being a very happy person normally, i just couldn’t seem to hold onto that this year, and every day was just a “Dragging my feet til i get through it” sort of day. Although i am blessed with friends, i no longer have the friends that i held most dear to me, the ones whom i can turn to when it seemed like everyone else disappeared…The ones i thought would never leave…left. And despite the obvious lies, i felt alone for a majority of the year. While others would leave knives in my back and go on to seemingly find their own happiness, this has been a year where i feel left alone and in pain. Some of it on my own doing, and some that just couldn’t be helped. It was a year that seems like everytime i found a positive…like two or 3 other problems would punch me in the face…But i suppose i have to look upon the horizon.

I know there are some people out there who may be questioning why people are so hung up on Celebrity deaths, wondering how people could be so upset for people they never met. But when you have that grand of a stage, you’re bound to touch a few lives with the way you present yourself or even the work that you produced. Alan Rickman and Carrie Fisher were two big ones that have always been there ever since i could watch film….and now they’re Gone. It just feels weird and is something i can’t seem to let go or find a way to stop thinking about.

I go back and re-read everything that has happened and can’t help but think “There has got to be a way to make 2017 better than this.” And after going through it all again, i stand and say “I’m going to make 2017 better than this! No excuses” How? We’ll that is what i’m here to set for myself as a reminder.

Stay off of social media and networking as much as possible.

With the media today, everything gets promoted to you so fast, especially on facebook. As much news and negativity as there is, it wouldn’t be to the escalation that it is, if it wasn’t promoted every 5 seconds on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and everywhere else that people can shove news in your face. I’m going to try and limit my time on all of those sites and try to make YouTube my only primary source of networking. Facebook/Twitter/Instagram aka “The Unholy Trinity” will merely be a Break-Time Entertainment Distraction of sorts. But by limiting this, i should be able to escape a lot of negativity in the News, and drama between friends. All this will leave room for me to write my own story in a sense by adding nothing but positivity.

Prioritize People who actually want to be in my life… 

And yes, this is definitely one of the big things that i could have avoided. But it’s just one of those things that you have to push yourself to do eventually. I’m pretty sure everyone has made this mistake at some point. You see people who seem fun, are are very attractive, or make you feel special….and invest all of your time into them, despite seeing clear signs that your time is better spent elsewhere. I’ve wasted so much time this year on people who just talked to me because they liked the attention, and in all honesty…neglected tons of friendships that actually matter. Well…no more.

Actually Pursue the things i want to do in life and not be ashamed of them.

I’m constantly self conscious of all the things that i do on a normal basis. Like, if I make a video, i’m so weary of what my friends will think of it that i either change it to the point where it is beyond recognition or don’t make it altogether. It’s one of the main reasons as to why i failed every goal for writing and video editing that I’ve set for myself for 2016. I get into my head too much rather than just Doing what i love and actually enjoying it which is the whole point in the first place. At the end of the day, Friends will be honest and won’t make fun of me for doing something i love. It’s best to just get to that understanding and actually put action behind what I’ve been wanting to do all this time.  

Stay active. Achieve a Balance between Computer Time and “Get out and do something time”

Straight up, This has been the most anti-social year i’ve ever had. That’s probably a big reason for my unhappiness this year is that i put my faith and time into possessions as opposed to people. And although there’s nothing wrong with having a hobby that involves Computer or Video Games, there has to be some sort of balance….i have to find mine.

Stay out of unnecessary situations. 

As someone who likes to help other people, i often end up putting myself into bad/unnecessary situations to do so..The need for people pleasing is an unfortunate one and is something i need to get away from. Although helping others is a good thing…changing myself or getting into sticky spots to do so isn’t , it’s time to realize that sacrificing everything for someone isn’t worth it if i don’t even have my own stuff figured out.

Money. 

This one is such a broad topic in all honesty. I do so much impulse buying and want to fit in so many hobbies, activites and hang out sessions that i end up destroying my bank account to do so. This year i’m hoping to put myself on a plan and distribute my money on  a reasonable level. After sitting there on my computer and looking at all of my “Subscriptions” to like netflix and screen junkies plus and such..there is so much stuff that i don’t use on a normal basis that in all honesty, i don’t really need. It’s time i get my financial situation under control and stop doing so much unnecessary spending. I hope to have a new car by this time next year, so that’s where i’m at right now. Remember that goal Alex.

Make Purposeful Decisions..

And not just the one that sounds the coolest. You want all of this great stuff for your life right? Well that’s not going to happen if you just run around and do stuff and don’t chase after all of these goals that you set for yourself! Remember! There’s a reason to why you’re doing all of this, and it’s all setting towards something greater. Just because something seems fun, doesn’t mean its the right decision. Reaching your goals and doing what you have to do isn’t always fun or easy, but it’s necessary and will pay off. Keep your eyes forward dude.

I know it’s difficult. Heck, i’ve struggled all year. But dude, if you ever come back and read this. Just know that you got this.  Have a good 2017. Reach your goals. You know what i’m talking about.

The Word “Nerd”

I was pondering about life and the new Batman vs Superman movie, and overall just talking to myself aloud about all of the hidden easter eggs in the movie. Not only that, but i also tackled the main idea of “How would the world really react if an all powerful being like Superman came to earth.” And boy, did that conversation (With myself mind you) get heated really quick. I find some of the deepest discussions happen within our own head, and this conversation is in talks with the best of them. At the end of the day, i found myself amazed at how ridiculously  detailed this conversation had gotten, especially with the lack of others around. I did what anyone seems to do in a conversation like this. “Gosh, i’m such a nerd.”

Upon saying that, my entire world came to a screeching halt! This simple sentence spiked my entire thought topic for the next two hours. You may ask, “Alex! What thought topic would that be?” And it’s simple. The thought topic for this particular piece is exactly as the title would state it. The Word “Nerd”

The first thing i began to nit-pick about this word is how the whole outlook on this word has seem to have changed. Take it back about 20 years ago, and calling someone a nerd was almost like a social death sentence on them. We see so many movies that depict the true “Losers” of the film as Nerds. Heck, in one movie (Whose name seems to escape me) there is a scene where a brilliant student is giving a presentation and a Jock whom happens to be walking by bursts through the classroom door and yells “NERRRRRDDD!!!” which causes the whole class to laugh at him. You could tell based on what had just happened that the poor fella was embarrassed to be associated with such a word. Heck, it’s practically the old way of “Cussing someone out”. Calling someone a Nerd a few years ago was like claiming someone was a witch back in the old days of Salem!

Now flash forward today, and you literally hear someone call themselves a nerd in really any scenario. Here, let’s review a few shall we? :

  • “Sorry i talk so much about Cars. I guess i’m just a Nerd.”
  • “Like oh em gee. Playing Xbox! I’m such a nerd! #Nerd” (Usually followed up by some hot chick with glasses trying to look like “one of the guys”)
  • “Yeah, i like Marvel….DC…..Even the old Newspaper comic strips. I’m such a nerd.”
  • “I studied all week for this final. I love to study. I guess i’m just a big nerd.”

Those are just a few that i’ve heard recently! And it seems that just based off of these few things that people are mistaking “being a nerd” for just being passionate about their own personal interests, and really there’s nothing wrong with that. The question that bashed it’s way into my brain though is, “Is that the new definition of Nerd though? Is it official?”

Webster’s dictionary (Who seems to be the end all decision maker for definitions) defines Nerd in two particular ways.

  1. a person who behaves awkwardly around other people and usually has unstylish clothes, hair, etc.
  2. a person who is very interested in technical subjects, computers, etc.

So what i’m taking from that is that 1, It’s a person who lacks social skills and really doesn’t dress well. And no, i don’t believe this is pointing to the people who wear Batman shirts instead of polo’s and jock clothes or anything like that…but rather, people who dress messy and really not even fit for public. Sorta pointing at the fact that they dress in a way that matches their awkward nature. Two points at anyone who is constantly working with (not just technology) but all of the different features and what not revolving around it, can also be considered a nerd.

The definition that we have made up for Nerd seems to actually be the definition of a different word….”Geek.” Webster defines geek as such.

  1. a person who is socially awkward and unpopular : a usually intelligent person who does not fit in with other people
  2. a person who is very interested in and knows a lot about a particular field or activity

Now the first definition seems to go hand in hand with the word “Nerd”, except it takes it a bit more to an extreme. I’m guessing the reason the geeks are Awkward and Unpopular are because they like different things that others normally wouldn’t like. That their knowledge over certain subjects and passion for certain subjects (Definition #2) is so great that it literally effects their social life. And i think that’s more along the lines of the definition that people try to associate themselves with when they say “Oh my gosh i’m such a nerd”.

Now i’m not sure why i went through all of this. But at the end of the day i am glad that it is acceptable now to be a “Nerd” or even a “Geek”. Both have received negative treatment in the past, and as people find out who they are, it is great to see them as well as thousands of others embrace the things that make them different and even be accepted while doing so. It’s showing that even though some areas of society can still use work, that it is also growing to be more acceptable of other people.

But then again what do i know? I’m just a nerd.

Erm…..Geek.

 

Note to Alex.

Sometimes the first part of recovery is finding the infection,
It’s the very factor that could answer every question,
Cause if you find the source then you can remove the pain,
But if you don’t act on it then the source will remain…
“Thank you captain obvious, I knew that already…”
So then why are all your problems there still so heavy?
You complain and complain about the burdens you hold,
But do nothing to remove them, it’s just old…
I mean no disrespect, but rather I hope you see,
That I’m not speaking just to you, but mainly to me
The problems over and over It just seems to repeat,
And that’s why it’s me, Alex, sitting in the front seat…

(So Alex…I just want to say…)

You’re greater than these insecurities that control your whole life,
The thought that you’re not good enough for anything is a lie!
Your insecurities gobble you up and trap you,
Keeping you sheltered, blinded from what is true..
You should know, for you there’s a purpose so great…
So it’s time to move forward from your current state..
Stop running in circles on this big hamster wheel,
Move forward from this cycle, this time…for real.
You can be delivered, but you must continue forward,
Release the grasp you have on the two edged sword,
You put priority in so many things that simply don’t matter,
It’s crazy to see sometimes, let me call you mad hatter,
Mad because of the things that you let keep your life stalled,
Hatter because of all the hats you wear…because you’re going bald,
But seriously, in life there are some things you can’t control,
Give those things to God, from there..he’ll make you whole.
Worry about this, worry about that, where is the end?
Your mind makes you worry about everything, that’s the trend…
Overthink everything and you find yourself alone,
You in your own head, you think you’re on your own..
But I promise you, not everything’s what it seems to be,
If you can just escape the wondering of your mind, you’ll be free…
I pray that God places boldness on your life,
Proceeding with confidence both through peace and through strife,
I pray that you may find a love so deep in your heart,
That you find the best in others, confident in every part..
I pray for faith for you in your darkest hours,
That when conflict arises you look to higher powers…

I know it’s hard to walk away from things that seem so dear,
You’ve worked so hard for these things, and to lose them is your fear…
And like fishing, you catch things sometimes that you must throw back,
And in life you gain things, that you could do better to lack…
People you hang with, that don’t influence you right…
The influences turn your insides, make it harder to fight the good fight..
And now you see all these fish that have been hooked,
But as you want to keep them, you should take a better look…
The everyday influences that stuck inside your head,
Could be the major difference that leaves your spirit dead…

Now you may think I did this for attention…
Talking to my self, looking for popularity suspension…
But the reality is, I needed a wake up call..
Cause it was only a matter of time before I had a fatal fall..
Some people on here are probably struggling too,
I want you to know that I’m in the same boat as you..
The words said to me, could be said for you too…
Not believing it is irrelevant, cause it’s still true…

Don’t ever lose that strive to be better than you currently are,
The craving to be molded into something more will take you far,
Put God first and serve him with everything inside you,
And always remember that through God, you were made new…

My Castle (Poem)

What i do today, will be forgiven tomorrow,
That’s truly a mindset that will bring only sorrow,
YOLO, it’s corrupted, justifying the bad,
Doing something you know is wrong…and yet you wonder why you’re sad…”

Yeah, i’ve been there too…

It starts small, nothing big, a little pebble in hand..
It’s not the whole head of hair, just a small little strand,
So you toss it over your shoulder, never to see it again..
But little do you know, this isn’t the last you’ll see of that sin.
Tossing pebble after pebble, doesn’t seem like a big deal
Something so small, will surely take no time at all..to heal,
And when you finally have had your fill and turn around to take a look,
Realization sets in, on just how deep in you are on the hook.
It’s sunk in, and you’re stuck, you can’t move…
Every voice that spoke against actions, all along were so true..
You expect to see those pebbles, in a pile so small…
But instead see a Castle that stands oh so tall..
Those little ol’ pebbles, were instead big sturdy bricks,
They seemed so little at the time, but all along it was a trick.
It didn’t seem so heavy at the time, but now you see the error
You never thought you’d be this deep, and now you see the true terror
Before you had an island of room, too big for any hassle
But now that space is taken up, by this monstrous Castle.
You push and push with all your strength, but it doesn’t even budge..
Working up a heavy sweat, only to feel like a small nudge
Walking away doesn’t even seem like a possibility,
Every path away seems to lead back to this monstrosity…

Everytime you create some distance, it’s the only thing you see,
Sometimes you even go back for the sake of its familiarity…
No matter how bad you want to get away, the fortress is just too much,
It takes over your life and with everything else, you seem to lose touch…
You stay inside this castle, waiting for the day that someone brings you out
But all solutions seem to fail, and the only option now is to pout…
Exhausted, you can’t go on, and it just seem pointless to fight..
And just when all is lost, you notice the small speck of light.

In every situation, there’s always some hope you see…
And when i was trapped in my castle, God was that hope for me..
I began to understand the solution was here at last,
It didn’t matter what i had done before, he didn’t care about the past
And even though i built this castle, all by myself
He saw me as a broken toy, ready to be fixed up on the shelf..
Undeserving, he approached me and reached out his hand so divine,
Sitting there with his hand wide open, just waiting for me to give him mine,
I reached forward, but was trapped in place..The source of my pain,
In order for me to reach him, i must first let go of this chain…
So precious to me however, the chain has been there through it all,
Afraid to let go, without the familiar things, i would surely fall,
The battle inside ripped me apart, nothing had done this faster.
It was clear i had to make a choice, nobody can serve two masters.
With tears in my eyes, i reached for his hand, and let go of the chain…
And that thing that i seemed to lose, ultimately was a gain…
As he pulled me out of my prison, He began to fill the void…
It was a beautiful sight indeed, before my eyes the castle was destroyed..
And now the only thing that haunts me, about that day that i was found…
Was the sound of all the bricks, falling to the ground…

This I Declare!

I want to be molded, like putty in your hands.
Pulled apart and re-created..strand by strand.
No longer will I run on this hamster wheel, so comfy.
But take the path less taken that you have laid down for me.
It’s gonna be hard, that much is clear…
But I know that I can make it, for you are always near.
It’s hard to remember sometimes though…I’m always thinking of myself.
And to make sure I’m taken care of, I put important things up on the shelf.
But I declare to no longer pull down others, but hold them up instead…
For living to gain off others pain, inside I am already dead.
To realize my wrong doings at times, and accept that rather than argue.
It’s not worth causing up so much anger, despite having a different view.
I declare to hold my tongue behind closed doors, a venomous weapon it can be.
To instead offer only positive things, in which in myself I can also be free…
To be the man that people can run to, and expect help in their time of need..
Instead of watching them from a safe distance and merely stand there as they bleed.
To have a more loving heart, and not be so quick to anger…
To see people’s situations in a different light, instead of just as a blur…
I want to stop relying so much, in taking refuge in the world…
But instead realize that the answers come, by spending time in the word…
It’s clear I’m broken..a mere pot full of cracks,
That I’ve got problems myself, they keep coming by the stacks..
But if you’ll have me, I wanna come to you…broken legs and all,
With your hand leading the way, no mountain is too tall…
I’ll give it all to you, knowing you’ll repair every tear…
I’m going to walk closer to you…this I declare..

Humpty Dumpty (A Poem)

I wrote this Poem about the time i graduated High School. Crazily enough that is about 5 years ago now. I was going back through and reading a bunch of my works and this was definitely one of the ones that stood out for me. By all means, read this. Comment on how it makes you feel or on whether or not you like it. Any and all support helps and i appreciate you even taking the time to look over it. Thanks!  -Alex

———————————————————————–

Dear Humpty….

I heard you are broken down, beaten, mistreated,

Blown off course and your will is depleated,

Trying all the methods to put yourself together,

Trying to Get Dry but you’re caught in bad weather.

All that you love,  seems to be Destroyed,

And now you search for that one thing to fill the Void.

All the things of the world start to seem really tight,

You take comfort in them, believe they take you to new heights.

But in reality, you’re just sitting on a wall,

And sooner than later, you’re gonna have a fall.

A Fall from which you might not recover,

But i think it’s high time that you discover..

That unknowingly, you’ve become bound,

You might not know, because it happened without a sound.

Maybe that’s why you always feel so low,

Keep on shrinking, when you’re trying to grow.

These things you seek are holding you down,

Every day getting heavier pound for pound.

But don’t worry humpty, i know a specialist,

solves all your problems and cleans up your mess,

He’s strong enough to break every chain,

The medical genius can even take away your pain

,I may not be a doctor, but i know the prescription,

A solution to your problems, without adding more addictions,

It’s God he’s the one, he’ll deliver you straight,

It may not be on your time, but for him he’s never late.

He gives you a joy that you can’t deny,

A better cure than money could ever buy,

All the Kings Horses couldn’t put you together again,

But my god is more powerful than any other man,

He’ll pick your pieces up and mold them into something new,

So trade your bar stool in for a church pew

It’s an easy solution, in which we are blessed

Just give yourself to him, he’ll take care of the rest.

The choice is yours, i suggest that you make it today,

i just have one last thing that i’d like to say.

He’s always there to catch you when you fall,

Even if you’re the one who climbed up on the wall.